• HEX: #daae67
  • RGB: rgb(218, 174, 103)
  • HEX: #5a3e2c
  • RGB: rgb(90, 62, 44)
  • HEX: #7c7c7c
  • RGB: rgb(124, 124, 124)
  • HEX: #7c847a
  • RGB: rgb(124, 132, 122)

You Know You’re A History Major If (Part 6 of a Series)

  • You correct others about their history
  • You correct your professors about their history
  • Your professors admit that you were right when correcting their history
  • The people who inspire you have been dead for thousands of years
  • You have a “favorite” ancient civilization
  • You secretly fantasize about Helen of Troy
  • You point out historical inaccuracies in Hollywood movies
  • You like to imagine what it would be like to live during a certain historical period
  • You know that “historical films” are rarely historically accurate
  • You know that Alexander the Great had male lovers
  • You watch historical documentaries outside of class
  • Friends and family members use you as a historical reference
  • Classmates use you as a historical reference, and cite you as a source in their paper
  • You’ve pondered the impact of historical events on modern times
  • You’ve pondered how different modern times might be if not for certain historical events
  • You’ve pondered which modern events might become historical events
  • You would kill for fifteen minutes in the Library of Alexandria
  • You start laughing when someone says “Get back in the car, John.”
  • Your dog’s name is Napoleon or Lafayette
  • You’ve found historical inaccuracies in your high school textbooks
  • You’ve found historical inaccuracies in your college textbooks
  • You’ve found historical inaccuracies on the History channel
  • You know the “seven wonders of the ancient world” by heart
  • You get annoyed when people incorrectly list said wonders
  • You can’t wait for the Colossus of Rhodes to be rebuilt
  • You look for tie-ins between history and your friends’ majors
  • If tie-ins are not readily apparent, you continue to spend countless hours looking for them anyway
  • You frequently say “I read it in a book once…”
  • You would kill for ascots, breeches, and buckles on shoes to come back into style
  • You actually have conversations with the dead people you idolize, and sometimes they respond to you
  • You never have money because you spend it all on books
  • Your friends don’t have to go to the library because they can borrow books from you
  • You really, really want a white powdered wig
  • You celebrate key historical events (at least you think they were key) as if they were canonical celebrations
  • Your vocabulary includes words that have not been commonplace for hundreds of years
  • You use sayings like “storming the trenches”
  • You refer to your method of study as a “Blitzkreig”
  • You know that typing “French military victories” into Google and clicking “I’m feeling lucky”, yields “did you mean French military defeats?
  • You know why Benjamin Franklin recommends older women
  • When you fail a class, you tell the professor that you have “not yet begun to fight”
  • You’ve always wanted to go back in time and conquer the world with modern weaponry
  • You wonder how the internet will affect historical record-keeping
  • You’re good friends with an archaeology or anthropology major
  • You’ve dated an archaeology or anthropology major
  • You love movies like “Indiana Jones,” even though they are chock-full of historical inaccuracies
  • You’ve actually read something that was written on parchment or papyrus
  • You can understand cuneiform script
  • You wish you could write all your essays with a quill instead of a keyboard
  • You own 5 or more books that are out of print
  • You own 10 or more books published before the year 1900
  • Most of the above books are original editions
  • You’ve gotten lost in a museum
  • You’ve considered becoming a museum curator
  • “Preservation” of anything is important to you
  • You try to convince all your science-major friends to “invent a time machine, already”
  • If you do something embarrassing or unpopular, you know it’s OK because “history will judge you”
  • You’ve been in several debates about the historical origins of the term “OK”
  • One of your life goals is to do something epic enough to appear in a history book
  • Your other life goal is to be first author on a history book
  • You’ve felt for most of your life that you’re living in the wrong time
  • You refer to significant objects as “pieces of history”
  • You know that graffiti was found in Pompeii, and you know what it said
  • You often write papers, but you never seem to go to any “labs”
  • When you visit any location, you constantly stop to read plaques with historical information
  • You yank your friends’ arms so they stop to read plaques with historical information
  • It annoys you when people approximate dates by rounding to the “nearest hundred years”
  • Your professors smell like old book paper
  • You smell like old book paper
  • You’ve spent an entire day or more in a library archive
  • You’ve spent a week or more in a historical location
  • Your dream vacation spot is Colonial Williamsburg
  • You know how to pronounce “Qin Dynasty” correctly
  • You’ve always wanted your own clay army
  • You’ve always wanted your own suit of armor
  • You already have your own suit of armor
  • You study Swordsmanship in  your spare time
  • You spend your weekends at the Renaissance Fair
  • You’ve actually fired a musket
  • You can name at least three types of field cannon
  • You work in a building with field cannons out front
  • You have a field cannon on your front lawn
  • You loudly sing “I Am The Monarch Of The Sea” to yourself when you do well on tests
  • You have a favorite history book, which you sleep with at night
  • You have your own theory about where to find the Holy Grail
  • You have your own theory about where to find the Ark of the Covenant
  • You’ve found both the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant before, only to wake up and find you have to do it all over again –pesky present reality
  • You know (and use) at least five Shakespearean insults
  • When someone says “record,” you don’t think of music
  • Your preferred method of transportation is horse and buggy
  • You like to spend time in antique shops, even though you can’t actually buy anything
  • You’re tired of telling people that the “underground railroad” didn’t actually have rails
  • You’re very good at geography –as long as it’s not modern geography
  • You can name ten or more ancient cities
  • When you go on vacation, you do so for research purposes
  • You would gladly bring back puffy 16th-century “ruff” collars
  • You’ve ever had a dream in which it was your imperial coronation
  • You know what a “schism” is
  • You know your own coat of arms
  • You’ve taken part in a historical battle re-creation
  • You can fire a bow and arrow
  • You’ve had a bow and arrow fired at you
  • You can actually discuss the relative pros and cons of longbows and shortbows, and state which one you prefer
  • When someone says “down,” you don’t think of a direction
  • You’ve always wanted to “tar and feather” someone you dislike
  • You have a list of people you’d like to “tar and feather”
  • You have at least one thing in mind to add to this list
  • You know that historically speaking, this list isn’t very significant, as people have been making lists for thousands of years.

A special thank-you goes to Dan Mackin, who inspired and contributed to much of this list.

FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THE LIST BY COMMENTING BELOW


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