You like to know what is going on in other people’s lives, and you assume other people are stalking your life too. You probably take lots of photographs, and when out with friends, repeat the phrase “Put that on Facebook!” or “New profile pic” ad nausiem. Because you are a grade-A stalker, and spend scads of time perusing the profiles of former flames, high-school bullies, and that girl who always goes on the cool vacations, you expect everyone else to update their Facebook to the detail you do. You are outraged by unlisted relationship statuses, careers or locations, and people who block their photos. You probably post lots of statuses and compulsively check your notifications for “likes.” In fifty years, you will be that person who still brings a camera to every event, and at your high school reunion, you will repeatidly creep people out by asking them about things you only know about through serious stalking.
The Celebrity Chaser/Complainer:
If you’re #sorrynotsorry about your excessive Twitter use, you probably fall into one of two categories. The Celebrity Chaser follows stars, shows, famous athletes, and other twitter fiends with the sole purpose of being retweeted. Your profile probably says Following: 289; Followers: 27, and your Twitter name is something like MileysLuvrs4Lyfe or BelieberXO.
The Complainer reserves tweeting to times of extreme annoyance, ie: “The dining hall is serving hot dogs again. #gross #wasteoftuitionmoney #transferring #gimmesteak #countdowntospringbreak.” You have more #feelings than you have space to put them, and everyone following you needs to know. You are also probably passive-aggressive in real life, and actually ate the hot dogs. #busted.
You have closets and underbed storage boxes filled with glitter, modpodge, beads, canvas boards, and half-finished crafting attempts that always looked so much easier online. You know how to make owl-shaped cupcakes, peppermint puppy chow, and every kind of chocolate chip cookie known to man. You have your wedding dress, future home décor, and dream wardrobe picked out. You often pepper your conversation with “Oh my god, let’s totally bake this weekend. I saw this great new recipe on Pinterest for…” Since using Pinterest, you have gained about twenty pounds, and made a board dedicated to health and fitness. You will probably grow up and have a house filled with cats and fruit-themed furniture.
What? That’s not still a thing, is it?
The Artistic Narcissist:
You are a step above the Facebook Narcissit because you cannot upload 100 pictures at a time and lump them in an album called “Senior Year, Ya’ll!” You have to be more careful with your picture selection, and thus, you become obsessed with lighting, angles, and filtering in order to create the right ambiance for the food you ordered at Cheesecake Factory. “Should I go with Amaro or Earlybird for this one?” is a question you often mutter to yourself while you sit hunched over your phone next to the rapidly fading sunset in the background. Once you choose the painstaking add-ons for your pictures, you are inclined to check back often to see how many people like the picture. “Dang it, knew I should have gone with Hefe this time,” you remark in disgust when your picture likes don’t stack up. You will probably be that mom that tells her children to “Oh, do that thing where you fall over in the waves by accident again! I didn’t get that the first time!”
The more you use Tumblr, the more you start to see life not as a continuation of movements, but rather as 2-second shots that can be repeated over and over, and made into a GIF. You spend your free time (and most of the time you should be working) scrolling through pictures and clips for the perfect one to capture your mood. Instead of doing your homework, you spend hours looking through memes of Grumpy Cat and clog your friends’ Facebook walls with #whatshouldwecallme GIFS. You have seen every epic film kiss in 3-second form at least five times, and you can translate all of your feelings into one word hashtags (#love, #heartbreak, #study, #grumpycat). You probably don’t have any clue when your next midterm is, but that’s ok, because your most recent GIF got 2,876 notes (whatever that means).
There are actually many types of YouTubers, but I’ll stick to the broadest category of video-platform induced gluttony. The Commenter is the person who bashes (and sometimes praises) as many videos as possible. You scour cover songs by teenagers in their bedrooms like it’s a job, and have seen all the most recent movie/television trailers, and have analyzed each one for content and style. You will probably work in internal affairs someday, given your propensity for sticking your nose in other people’s business and commenting on it.
The Fame Chaser is in a love/hate relationship with the Commenter. You upload videos showcasing your talent for all the world to critique, and cross your fingers that Usher or someone else will stumble across it. Maybe you want to be the next Jenna Marbles, or that guy who did the “Muffins!” video way back in the day (remember that?). Or, better yet, you have an adorable fat cat who is obsessed with boxes. Either way, you get high off of hits on your videos, and dream sweet dreams of internet fame at night.
(on a side note, there is a third YouTube category, the Fanvideo Maker, but this is such a long-winded subject for me that maybe I will give it its own post.)
But I’m serious guys, check out this adorable cat try to fit into boxes.