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January 25, 2011

You Know You’re An English Major If (Part 2 of a Series)

This post originally appeared on http://thecamspuscompanion.com and was written by a staff writer.

Picture Taken From Motifake.com

  • People’s everyday grammar and vocabulary make you cringe
  • You believe that you are mentally and socially superior to all other majors
  • You want to become a teacher
  • You want to become a journalist
  • You are a teacher/journalist
  • You know the difference between “its” and “it’s”
  • People’s grammar and usage on facebook horrify you
  • You know the difference between “their” and “they’re”
  • You write for the school newspaper
  • You know what a “gerund” is
  • You regularly make use of Sparknotes
  • You are tired of being asked what you thought was “significant” and… here it comes… Why?
  • You’ve spent an entire day writing a paper
  • You’ve gotten an A or a B on a paper you wrote at 2:00 in the morning
  • You’ve gotten an A or B on a paper defending a position that you don’t even agree with
  • You’ve gotten an A or B on a paper that you don’t recall writing because you were blacked out, and the professor wrote a comment praising its “fluidity”
  • You have an insane number of chapters to read tonight
  • You have a personal relationship with William Shakespeare
  • You’re convinced you can make a living writing poetry and/or novels
  • You have a pet named after an author or literary character
  • You regularly invent bad puns, and your friends want to kill you for it
  • You look down on anyone who wants to ban a book
  • You use famous quotes in much of your conversation
  • You consider authors to be sex symbols
  • You analyze everything you read in terms of where the prepositional phrases are
  • You’re offended by statements like “no more than six pages, please”
  • You analyze things constantly and impulsively, often more than is needed
  • You know that everything in the universe relates to English literature
  • You want to learn a foreign language so you can read things other than English literature
  • You want to analyze how that other literature relates to the universe, and to English literature
  • You want to consider the significance of said relationships and why they are significant
  • You regularly get in arguments about correct grammar
  • You shout “ONOMATOPOEIA!” whenever your friends use one
  • You know when and how to use “lie” and “lay”
  • All of your classes encourage the “Socratic method” and have the desks arranged in a circle
  • You go to English classes that you aren’t actually signed up for, just because you’re excited about them
  • You spend more money on books than you do on food
  • You go to the library more often than you go to rock concerts
  • You know that absolutely everything you write must have a thesis statement, upon penalty of death
  • You know that every source must be cited, upon penalty of death
  • You know that only one of your cited sources can be a website
  • You know that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
  • It bothers you when people say “neither… or”
  • You don’t understand why your friends laugh when you talk about how thick Moby Dick is
  • You know the ins-and-outs of MLA format
  • You know that there are other formats besides MLA format
  • You know the ins-and-outs of them, too
  • You’ve fancied becoming a hippie
  • You aren’t bothered by the idea of being homeless
  • You correct other people’s spelling, but shudder at the thought of them catching mistakes in your own
  • You, unlike most of your classmates, can actually understand dialects
  • You use Shakespearean insults
  • You favor the English spelling system over the American one
  • You need a calculator to know what 7×9 equals
  • You posit that the book is always better than the movie
  • You spend years trying to understand “the human condition”
  • You are currently reading 5 or more books at once
  • You know that the backbone of a strong argument is the text that supports it
  • You keep a running list of books you’d like to read
  • You keep a running list of books you’ve read
  • You keep a running list of books you’d like to read again
  • You have what you consider to be a personal library
  • You have enough books in said personal library to start a new public library
  • You always encourage others to read more, even though you know they won’t
  • You swap books with your friends because they have to read yours and you have to read theirs
  • A book is the best Christmas or birthday gift you can think of
  • You have friends who are science majors and don’t understand “why reading all day is so hard”
  • You are constantly asked “where you plan to go” with your studies
  • You are tempted to answer “Jamaica” to the above question
  • You are seriously considering a career as a librarian
  • You feel guilty when you walk out of a bookstore without buying a book
  • You have to know what year a book was written in, and who it was published by, just in case you have to cite it
  • You make a mental list of words to look up in the dictionary
  • You know that “bada-bing” is in the dictionary
  • You keep tabs on which words are added to the unabridged dictionary each year
  • You like to do things that make you “feel intellectual”
  • You’d rather compose a thoughtful haiku about the moon than build a base on it
  • You know how to spell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
  • You’ve catalogued every case of consistent alliteration throughout the course of this… crummy… list
  • You’ve already started writing an essay about the significance of this list, why you find it significant, and how that main idea relates to the “human condition”
  • You hate it when people end sentences with a preposition
  • You can conjugate any given verb in future perfect tense
  • You know what “future perfect tense” is
  • You understand the concept of “literary license”
  • People with other majors regularly ask you to edit their papers
  • Writing and/or editing others’ papers is actually a steady source of your income
  • You know how and when to use “who” and “whom”
  • When reading a novel, you pause to analyze the author’s writing style
  • You get annoyed when non-English majors get excited about their “poetry”
  • You get annoyed when non-English majors say they “would love to write a novel”
  • You’ve read something in Old English
  • You can actually understand Old English
  • You’ve memorized the first line of at least five novels
  • Typos of any kind throw you off, and in some cases make you angry
  • You’ve considered how this list might be rewritten in free-verse
  • You’ve considered how this list might be rewritten in iambic pentameter
  • You’ve considered how this list might be rewritten, period
  • You found at least one misspelling or grammatical error in this list
  • You’re too busy reading and/or writing to bother mentioning it, or to write a list like this for that matter
  • When you hear the name Zelda you think of F. Scott Fitzgerald and not video games.

Picture courtesy of Motifake.com

Feel free to add to the list!

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